It’s My Turn

Every time I hear this song on my iPod, I think about the decision I made to leave my husband of six and a half years to come out, to break the hearts of my husband, my Southern Baptist parents, and my in-laws. I walked out and refused to feel my own heart breaking, because after several suicide attempts, it really did have to be my turn or I was done.

I have a friend, the first woman I loved, who had a brief period where she fought her way free, but she didn’t stay there. I used to think she couldn’t do it, that she lacked courage. But years later I know she did what she should have done, and everything she did was courageous. It wasn’t a path I could chose – to go back to her husband, have another child and live in the marriage with her husband until his death two years ago.

I’ve judged her and her choices in the past, but see a little clearer now that just as I’ve chosen what was right for me, so she chose what was right for her. I remember how full of life she was and how she laughed, and it is difficult to hear the tired sadness in her voice these days. So I give her these words to help her find her way back to laughter and joy.

I can’t cover up my feelings
in the name of love
or play it safe.
For a while that was easy.

And if living for myself

Is what I’m guilty of

Go on and sentence me -
I’ll still be free.

It’s my turn
To see what I can see.
I hope you’ll understand
This time’s just for me.

Because it’s my turn
With no apologies.
I’ve given up the truth
To those I’ve tried to please.

But now it’s my turn.

If I don’t have all the answers
At least I know
I’ll take my share of chances.

Ain’t no use of holding on
When nothing stays the same.

So I’ll let it rain
‘Cause the rain ain’t gonna hurt me
And I’ll let you go
Though I know it won’t be easy.

It’s my turn
With no more room for lies.
For years I’ve seen my life
Through someone else’s eyes.

And now it’s my turn
To try and find my way
And if I should get lost,
At least I’ll own today.
….
Because it’s my turn
To turn and say goodbye.
I sure would like to know
That you’re still on my side.

….
It’s my turn
To start from number one
Trying to undo
Some damage that’s been done,

But now it’s my turn
To reach and touch the sky.
No one’s gonna say
At least I didn’t try.

It’s my turn,
Yes, it’s my turn.

By Michael Masser and Carole Bayer Sager
From soundtrack of “It’s My Turn” starring the wonderful Jill Clayburgh

©2011 jgschenck

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